Behavior problems often
interfere with children’s academic and social success. Here, I’ll provide a big
picture look at the “ABCs” of behavior and offer some strategies to effect
positive change in your student.
There are three basic
components (ABCs) to any type of behavior: the “antecedent,” which is what
prompts a certain behavior; the “behavior” itself; and the “consequence,” which
is an action an adult/disciplinarian administers to the child that shapes future
behavior. Let’s use the following as an example: “Every time I ask Sarah to do her
homework, she breaks down into tears.” In this case, the antecedent would be
asking Sarah to do her homework. Sarah’s responding behavior is to cry. The
consequence is what she will experience as a result of her behavior—and it will
affect how she responds to similar future antecedents. From my observations, both
as a professional therapist who works with children and as an uncle to young
kids, well-meaning adults often fail to deliver effective consequences—and the
child ultimately suffers.
Because my brother doesn’t
look at this blog, I’ll use him as a real-life example of how well intentioned
consequences can backfire. His five-year-old son (my nephew) has earned a
reputation at local restaurants for his meltdowns. My brother, trying to
survive the situation, typically responds by giving him the latest digital
device or promising a new DVD. Then, everyone gets to enjoy his last few bites
of meatloaf. But let’s look at this consequence from my nephew’s perspective: Dad wants me to be quiet, so I’ll throw a
tantrum and get my IPAD. Clever little fella!
Teachers, parents: We all
live in a fast-paced world where, like my brother, we get caught up in trying
to survive the moment—and giving in a little can seem helpful in the present
moment. But for your child’s sake (and yours!), I suggest that you look at what
the “consequence” is actually teaching him or her.
Now back to Sarah’s
situation, which I’m sure all parents and teachers are familiar with. The
expectations here aren’t going to change. Sarah, like every other kid, has to
do her homework. How we encourage her to do it is what will make the difference
between a session filled with tears and one characterized by productivity. When
Sarah starts crying, our first instinct might be to impose our will and set the
rules by saying something like, “Sarah, this is unacceptable. If you don’t do
your homework, then [fill in the blank, e.g., no TV, computer, etc.].” Yet,
imposing our will in this way can often create resentment between us and the
child, thus creating a negative feedback loop wherein both sides push back
until the kid’s behavior spirals out of control.
An often overlooked aspect of
behavior is the role that the child
can play in developing a strategy to address the behavior. (In his book Lost at School, Dr. Ross Greene talks
extensively about this.) In other words, give her a voice. For example, we
might say, “Sarah, we both know that you need to do your homework. How can we
develop a plan together that ensures that this happens?” If Sarah is like most
kids I know, she will use every bit of leverage to minimize the time she spends
on homework. As a parent or teacher, however, you can negotiate and develop a
strategy that meets the expectation (completing homework) while also providing
Sarah a role in the decision-making process. Note that I’m not suggesting that
we allow our kids to make their own rules, but rather include them as a partner
in developing a strategy to address their behavior.
So, instead of surviving the
moment, step back and look at your kid’s behavior and develop a strategy together
for dealing with it. Identify what the expectations are, and work collaboratively
with your child so that everybody can enjoy their meatloaf in peace!
Behavior comes in many shapes
and sizes, just like our kids, and I understand this strategy isn’t effective
in all situations. But remember—it's a process, one that takes effort, time,
and compromise.
Behavior will be an ongoing
discussion, and we will continue to review different situations and strategies.
Our next post will look at using visual strategies and positive supports to
help kids with behavior.
